Anomia - Part 4

Randy waited in line for his food, eyes glued to the tray in his hands. He hadn’t bothered looking up to see what was on the menu today, nor who was serving it. It didn’t matter anyway; he’d only recognise their face, inevitably misplacing the name attached to it.

He sat alone to eat without any real appetite, though he’d been told that he needed sustenance. The assortment of unidentifiable slop and rubbery, tasteless vegetables was unappealing in its own right, but even less with the distractions playing over in his mind.

By the time he was finished eating, or had at least picked at the food as much as he could, the rest of the cafeteria was empty, the other patients’ lunches finished and forgotten. Randy hadn’t realised how long he’d been sitting there, face down; he hadn’t taken note of who’d been in and out of the room either. Even if Nora had been through the cafeteria, Randy no longer cared.

His days had returned to monotony since his argument with Nora in the library corner. His life had become a fixed routine, as it had when he’d first arrived here. The only difference was now he felt no reason to try and break from the schedule and introduce some kind of excitement back into his contained lifestyle. There was no point. He’d tried, and all it had resulted in was resentment and pain.

He stayed in his room, lying in bed, trying not to think about all he’d done to get him to this point, though without much success. He no longer spent any time in the recreational room; his library corner he’d once enjoyed so much had been tainted with negativity. He hadn’t been to a group session since the argument with Nora, either; he couldn’t stand the thought of all their faces glaring at him in judgement for a myriad of reasons, though their judgements would be warranted.

The only person he even spoke to anymore was the doctor, though when they met she did most of the talking. She would come to his room to check on him, and Randy would only add a word here or there, telling her what she wanted to hear so she could leave him alone again. That was all he wanted anymore. If he was alone, he couldn’t hurt anyone else.

A knock came on his door while he was in the middle of reliving his last conversation with Nora for the thousandth time. Every word she’d yelled at him had been true and justified. Every action he’d taken to try and learn more about her – and himself in the process – had only gotten people hurt. He couldn’t do that again to anyone else, even if it meant recoiling into himself for the rest of his time in the ward.

He stayed in bed without response until the knocking stopped, though instead of being left alone, the door creaked open.

‘Randy? It’s Doctor Hargrove. May I come in?’

Randy sighed, not giving her permission, but not sending her away either. He rolled into his mattress, unable to forget how upset she’d been with him after the argument with Nora. It was understandable; what he’d done to the young, skinny boy, just trying to help Nora, was inexcusable.

‘How are you today, Randy?’ the doctor asked. Randy ignored her. ‘I know you haven’t been feeling one hundred percent this last week, but I’m going to keep coming back to check on you. I have to. Your wellbeing is very important to me, just like all the other patients.’ Randy stayed silent, and the doctor sighed. ‘I have an update on Jamie, if you’re interested.’

Finally, Randy rolled over to face her, seated on a chair beside his bed. ‘Please,’ he began, his voice scratchy from not being used, ‘tell me it’s good news.’

‘It is,’ she said with a friendly smile. ‘He was transferred to another facility, as you know, but he’s making remarkable progress there. He’s actually on his way to being let back out into the world. It turns out this place wasn’t really suitable for someone like him. I’d say it’s a bit of a silver lining to this whole thing.’

Her smile faded as Randy spoke. ‘Has he… said anything about me?’

‘He has mentioned that you were a part of why he… decided to do what he did, with Nora. But he was very adamant that in the end, it was all his decision, and that you shouldn’t receive any blame for his mistakes. He’s written a very nice letter to Nora asking for her forgiveness. He’s taken full responsibility for his actions.’

Randy sighed, partly in relief and guilt that he hadn’t been able to tell anyone just how instrumental he was in ensuring the boy’s decision. The medication he’d spiked the boy’s water with had apparently gone completely unnoticed. ‘He’s a good kid,’ Randy said.

‘Yes. So, how do you feel, knowing Jamie’s doing well?’

‘I don’t know, doc.’

The doctor glanced down at the clipboard she held, before placing it on Randy’s nightstand and folding her hands in her empty lap. ‘Randy, I know you feel bad about what happened, but you can’t shut down like this. If you ever want to get better, you have to let me in; let everyone back in. This isn’t productive.’

‘Maybe I don’t deserve to get better,’ Randy said. ‘Maybe if I stop bothering everyone else with my own problems, they can all get better. If that means I can’t, then… I guess that’s a small price to pay.’

‘Oh, Randy,’ the doctor said as Randy rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. ‘You’re here to get better – all of you are – and it’s my job to try and make that happen. You deserve help as much as everyone else.’ He ignored her. ‘I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but I think it would really help you to attend a group session again. It’s been a while, and I know it sounds scary, but it could really benefit you to see everyone again, and maybe see that they don’t all hate you like you might think.’

‘I can’t, doc,’ Randy mumbled into his pillow. ‘I can’t face them. Whether they hate me or not, I… I just can’t.’

The doctor was silent for a moment, before she leaned forward and Randy felt a hand on his shoulder. ‘Please, Randy. I really want you to. Just one more session, and if you don’t like it, I’ll never ask you to attend another.’

Randy could hear the compassion in her voice, the gentle pleading; it only came from a place of genuine concern. The doctor had always been good like that, in the eighteen months since he’d known her.

‘Okay. Fine. One session. But I can leave whenever I want,’ Randy said.

‘Of course.’ The doctor sounded as grateful as she did relieved. ‘I’ll see you then, Randy.’

*****

Randy refused to look up as he made his way to the group therapy session. He couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes for the fear that their glares would send him right back to his room, going back on his promise to the doctor. Instead, he studied the floor the entire walk through the halls. At the door to the group room, he carefully opened it, as if he could sneak in unnoticed.

When he entered, the room was silent, and the organised circle of chairs was almost fully filled. He only glanced up for a split second to see all their eyes on him, all the patients he’d spent the last week avoiding so effectively, waiting for him to come in and take a seat. As much as he wished he hadn’t noticed, Nora’s had been among them.

The doctor clapped her hands together as Randy sat, and he looked up at her reflexively, to which she gave a friendly, appreciative nod. Randy dropped his eyes again.

‘Okay, looks like we’re all here,’ the doctor said. ‘Who’d like to go first? Anna?’

The doctor looked at Anna, a strong, middle-aged woman Randy recognised but had barely ever spoken a word to. ‘Oh, uh, okay. I can start. Um… this past week has been, uh, good for me. I suppose. It has been a little difficult trying to…’

‘I’m sorry,’ a voice interrupted, like sandpaper against Anna’s gentle tone. The whole circle looked at the elderly man. ‘But is this really what we’re doing, right now?’

‘Harold,’ the doctor said, ‘you know the rules about interrupting.’

‘Yeah, I do. I also know this guy hasn’t spoken to anyone in a week,’ Harold said, pointing at Randy, ‘and now he just shows up here, like nothing has changed? After what happened between the two of them?’ His finger wagged between Nora and Randy. ‘I want to hear what they have to say to each other. No offence, Anna.’

Anna threw her hands up with understanding. It seemed the whole circle was in agreement on who they wanted to hear from first.

‘Inappropriate, Harold.’ The doctor glared at him before looking at Randy, her face gentle and soothing. ‘Randy, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I’m just glad you decided to come. But, if you do feel like sharing, you know that this is a safe space that I’m here to moderate.’

Randy looked up at her from his half-bowed head, seeing all the other patients’ faces in his periphery, refusing to meet any of theirs. Especially Nora’s.

‘I’m sorry,’ her voice suddenly came. He still refused to look at Nora as she spoke. ‘But how exactly is this a ‘safe space’? Everyone we know is here, watching us, listening to us. It’s not like anything we say stays in this room.’

‘We all agree that when we come in here, Nora,’ the doctor said with patience, ‘we leave our judgement at the door. Isn’t that right, everyone?’

A unanimous murmur filled the room.

‘Oh, come on,’ Nora continued, ‘that’s total bullshit.’

‘Nora, please,’ the doctor said.

‘If this is a ‘safe space free of judgement’, then I should be allowed to say whatever I want.’

The doctor sighed and gave no further argument. Instead, the old man spoke up. ‘Come on, let’s get on with it. I want to know what the hell you two were yelling about the other day. We all do.’

‘Just cool it, Harold,’ Nora said, rolling her eyes at him. ‘You know what I think?’ she began, looking at everyone in the circle except Randy, her eyes mainly on the doctor. ‘I don’t think it’s fair that we’re all here trying so hard to fix our shit, and at the same time, we have to devote so much goddamn time to acting like one of us isn’t as fucked up as he thinks he is, as some sort of way to help him get better. I don’t think that’s a smart, or logical, way to do things. And I don’t think it’s fair on the rest of us.’

There were a few nods of ascent around the circle, though most people were silent, including the doctor, only glaring at Nora with a hint of pleading.

‘That’s what we were yelling about, okay?’ Nora said to Harold. Finally, her eyes landed directly on Randy. He quickly dropped his, her stare unbearable, though he could still feel hers digging into him. ‘Do you have anything to say?’

He swallowed, the whole room watching him, even the doctor waiting to see if he’d speak. ‘Are…’ he began, clearing his throat. ‘Are we… talking about the old man?’

‘What?’ Nora said, incredulous.

‘Me?’ the old man complained.

‘Harold?’ the doctor asked Randy, trying to hide the surprise in her voice.

‘I mean,’ Randy continued, already aware he was digging himself into a hole, ‘how he’s kind of… rude, and mean. And we all have to pretend to like him. Is that who Nora’s talking about?’

‘Are you fucking kidding me, asshole?’ the old man growled.

‘Harold, please,’ the doctor said. ‘Randy, this isn’t…’

‘Jesus Christ, Randy.’ Nora slapped her hands on her knees, leaning towards him across the circle. ‘I’m talking about you. You and your ‘no names’ crap.’

‘Okay, Nora,’ the doctor tried to intervene.

‘What… what do you mean?’ Randy asked, still unable to hold his eyes on Nora for more than a second. When he did meet hers, he saw the regret in them, almost apologetic, but still stern enough to press on.

‘You still won’t admit it, will you? Still won’t just take responsibility. Just like with Jamie.’

‘Jamie? I…’ Randy didn’t know what to say. What could he say? ‘I… I never wanted what happened to Jamie. I just wanted to… to help. Him, and you, and…’

‘And you, right? You just wanted to help yourself. That’s what it’s always about with you, isn’t it?’

‘No… I mean, yes, but not only myself.’ He felt his heart racing, his brain stumbling to make coherent arguments in the jumble his thoughts had been over the last week. ‘I wanted to know what made you special, why I could remember your name, and I thought I’d be helping everyone by…’ he trailed off.

‘By getting Jamie, a fucking kid, to come onto me?’

Randy buried his face in his hands. ‘I know. I know now how stupid it was. I’m sorry. I messed up. I know that. I wish I could take it back.’

‘But you can’t, Randy. You only thought about what you wanted, and now Jamie’s gone. All you do is make everything harder for everyone around you, because you won’t just take responsibility for your own fucking problems.’

‘I know, okay?’ Randy said, his cheeks wet, finally looking directly at Nora. ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could take it back.’

Nora watched him, ready to return an argument, before sighing and shaking her head. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter. ‘I don’t think you are, Randy. If you were, this forgetting people’s names bullshit? It wouldn’t…’ She sighed. ‘It wouldn’t be what you focus all your goddamn energy on.’

‘I am. I feel terrible about what I did. I told the boy to pursue you, because I wanted you to talk to me again, because I wanted to figure out…’ Randy dropped his head again, staring at the floor. He wondered if it was wise to admit the truth, but he no longer cared. He only knew that he had to. ‘I drugged him.’

A confused silence filled the room, a few patients shifting uncomfortably in their seats. ‘Randy?’ the doctor eventually asked.

‘I drugged… him, the boy. I thought it would make him more confident, more willing to talk to you. I… You’re right. All I thought about was what I wanted. I didn’t think about how it would hurt him, or you. I didn’t care. I just wanted…’ He couldn’t finish his explanation; there was no reason to. ‘I don’t deserve to be here.’

The entire group was silent, waiting for someone else to speak. Even Nora, her jaw loose and brow furrowed, was too stunned to continue the argument. Eventually, after an unbearably painful stretch of tension, the doctor finally cleared her throat. ‘Randy, would you please come with me to my office?’ Randy nodded, eyes glued to the floor as he stood. ‘The rest of you, please continue on without me, or go back to your rooms; whatever you’re comfortable with.’

As he left the room, followed by the doctor, he could hear the patients’ murmurs return, voices filled with confusion and anger. Among them, as hard as he listened, he couldn’t pinpoint Nora’s.

*****

‘I’m so sorry, doc,’ Randy began, seated across from her behind the desk in her office. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I do. Of course I do. It was just stupid. The stupidest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘Yes, Randy.’ She watched him, hands folded on her desk.

‘Nora was right. I really don’t deserve to be here with everyone else. The… the young boy does. I should be the one that was kicked out.’

‘Randy, that’s not true.’

‘Of course it is! I’m… a monster. The way I’ve treated people over the last two years, always trying to get what I want… They don’t deserve to be stuck in here with me. I’m not like them. They’re good people.’

‘Randy, please, just listen to me for a moment.’ Randy looked at her, quiet. ‘You belong here more than anywhere. Everyone who’s here does. You might be… a little different, in some ways, but everyone here has similar problems, really.’

Randy shook his head. ‘How can that be true?’

‘They found the drugs in Jamie’s system as soon as they escorted him from the ward.’ Randy finally focused on her, intrigued. ‘It was the same medication you’d been prescribed that day.’

‘So… you knew what I’d done?’

‘Yes. I’ve been waiting for you to admit what you did, Randy. I would’ve preferred if it was in private, not in front of the entire therapy group, but still. I’m glad you did.’ She smiled, that same gentle smile that could comfort any patient when they needed it. Right now, however, it barely worked. ‘Nora was right, in a way. Far more confrontational than I’d like, but, I did want you to take a little responsibility. I wanted you to show that you could, so that I’d know when I tell you the truth, you’d be able to process it properly.’

‘The… the truth? Doc, what are you…’

‘Please, Randy. Just let me talk.’ She sighed deeply, then spoke slowly, her eyes never leaving his. ‘You belong here, with everyone else, because this place… it isn’t just a psychiatric ward, Randy. It’s an institute for the criminally insane. You didn’t come here of free will. You were sent here, after your arrest, after you showed signs of mental illness.’

Randy stared at her with confusion and disbelief, eventually scoffing. ‘What… What are you talking about? Arrest? I… I’m not a criminal. None of us are.’

‘I know, Randy. I know how difficult it’s going to be to understand. Jamie, for instance, is a seller of illegal narcotics. He was sent here for rehabilitation before he could be transferred to a low-security prison. Harold, on the other hand, lacks all empathy. He’s yet to commit any serious crimes – that have been proven – but his family is so afraid of him that they had him sent here. None of the patients you’ve met – or thought you already knew – are here of their own volition.’

Randy squinted and shook his head, thinking about her words, remembering every face he’d passed in the halls, shared a table with in the cafeteria, spoken freely before in their group therapy sessions. There was no way every one of them was some kind of criminal; no way he was. ‘But… People come and go as they please all the time, here. I’ve seen it over the last… the last two years. Almost every day.’

The doctor slowly shook her head with pursed lips. ‘You haven’t been here for two years, Randy. You’ve barely been here for a month. In fact, you and Nora arrived on the same day.’

‘What? That’s not… No.’

‘As soon as you got here, you started pretending like you’d been here for a long time. You acted like you knew every patient you passed in the halls, every staff member you interacted with.’

‘That can’t…’

‘You were never unable to remember people’s names, Randy. You’d just never met them, so you didn’t know their names.’

Her words made no sense. Of course he couldn’t remember people’s names. He’d tried as hard as he could every time he’d seen someone he knew. Someone he’d known for over two years. And he had been in the ward for over two years. ‘What is this, doc? Some kind of joke, or something? Is this punishment, for what I did to Jamie? I’m sorry, I said it. I’ll take whatever punishment I deserve, but this is… this is weird. I mean, Of course I can’t remember anyone’s names. I’m not… faking this.’

‘You will have to be punished in some way for what you did to Jamie, but no, Randy; that’s not what this is. As for your anomia… I think you can remember names, Randy. You’re just subconsciously choosing not to, to help perpetuate the lie you’ve subconsciously told yourself.’

He scoffed. ‘Lie? What lie?’ He shook his head, though found it increasingly more difficult to form coherent thoughts – to form arguments against what she was saying. ‘If what you’re saying… it’s not true, but… how could any of that make sense?’

‘Your brain is trying to protect you. You’re suppressing trauma that you don’t want to deal with, that maybe you can’t deal with. Instead of facing the reality of your situation, you chose to lie to yourself, and in turn, believe the lie. You’d rather live in the reality where you’ve been here for a long time and simply can’t remember names, rather than face what really happened.’

‘You’re… you’re lying. I have been here for years. For as long as I can remember. Since… since I was a kid! And I don’t remember people’s names! I’m not just… pretending, or, or…’ He trailed off, his heart racing, beating in his throat. ‘How would you know all of this, if it was true?’

‘They told me the first day you came here, Randy. When they sent you here. They told me about the accident. You never acknowledged it yourself, but they showed me the proof. All you ever told me was that you’d been here for a few months, that you couldn’t remember names; you even called it anomia yourself.’

Randy shook his head, thoughts flying through his mind faster than he could contemplate each of them. ‘Doc, I… What the hell is happening? How… Why?’

‘I’m afraid I have to take some of the blame myself, Randy. When you arrived, I made a decision to go along with the story you’d conjured up for yourself. I told every staff member, every patient, to believe you and follow what you said, as best as they could. I thought it would help you. I wanted to let you slowly work towards remembering the truth in your own time. If everyone just tried to tell you that you were lying – to yourself and everyone around you – it would shatter the illusion you’d created, which would likely result in more trauma.

‘I’m only telling you all of this now, because I fear I was wrong to let this happen. I only wanted to help you, but you were willing to live in the fabrication you’d made for yourself far longer than I’d anticipated. I decided that after Jamie, I had to tell you the truth. I was just waiting for the right opportunity. When you admitted that you’d given him your medication without his knowledge… it seemed like the right time.’

Randy watched the desk, unable to process all she was telling him.

‘I don’t expect you to understand everything right away, Randy. I know it’s a lot to take in. I mean, it was a lot for everyone to get behind. I managed to convince everyone to follow along because I’ve been wanting to explore alternate methods of treatment for a long time, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. Of course, now, after all that’s happened… Well, I’m probably going to lose my job.’ The doctor looked back at him, having slightly lost focus. ‘Sorry, Randy. Just thinking out loud. Do you have any questions for me? Of course you do, I know, but is there anything you’d like me to explain right now, or would you rather take some time to process all I’ve told you?’

Randy swallowed, unable to lift his eyes from her desk. ‘How could any of this be true? If I trust everything you’re saying, then… how am I supposed to trust myself?’

‘I know it’s difficult, Randy. That’s why you might need some time.’ She watched him, waiting, before speaking again. ‘Please don’t forget that you aren’t alone. You’ve been very isolated the past week, but you can always talk to me. And, remember, you aren’t the only person in here going through something like this. You might not be as alone as you think.’

Randy managed to hear her through his clamouring thoughts, eventually realising who she was talking about. ‘Oh my god. Nora.’ He shook his head in shame. ‘She knows that I…’

‘Yes. She tried to go along with your story, but, well… you’ve seen how impatient and stubborn she can be,’ the doctor said playfully.

‘But… we got here on the same day?’

The doctor nodded. ‘You arrived a few hours before her, in similar conditions. The only real difference was that her brain chose not to let her remember anything, and yours created an entirely separate memory for you.’

‘Jesus Christ, she… she had to listen to me complain about my anomia, when really…’

‘She’s been dealing with a lot herself,’ the doctor interrupted. ‘The fact that she agreed to go along with your…’

‘Delusion?’

‘Fantastic imagination,’ she said with a friendly smile. ‘It just shows how willing she is to help you. Everyone is.’

‘I’ve put her… everyone… through so much.’

‘You have no reason to feel guilty, Randy. Everyone was following my instructions. I still think it was the best move – having so recently gone through such a traumatic event… You needed to deal with it however you could. But now, you need to know the truth. And, I might add, you’re handling it relatively well.’

Randy leaned back in his chair. ‘Thanks, I guess.’ He studied the ceiling, leaning his head back, trying to focus on all that was racing through his mind.

He’d only been at the hospital for a single month. He could’ve sworn it had been over a year, at least two… but when he actually tried to think about it, something told him the doctor was right. He couldn’t remember ever actually arriving at the ward, being introduced to the staff or other patients, learning all the locations of separate facilities. He’d simply decided he knew all of them already, and – in order to make sense of it all – his brain had decided he simply couldn’t remember anyone’s names, but still recognised everyone and everything. How was it even possible? And, if the doctor was right, how could Nora’s be the only one exception in such a ridiculous delusion?

‘Wait,’ he said, immediately realising the answer, ‘Nora and I arrived on the same day? Then we must be related, right? We were together, and something brought both of us here, and we just couldn’t remember each other. That’s why I never forgot her name, why she was so special.’

The doctor nodded, slowly, though not speaking any further on the matter.

‘Doctor Hargrove….’ Randy said, without even looking at her nametag. ‘Why am I in here? You… You mentioned an accident, right? What did I do?’

Doctor Hargrove gave an apologetic sigh. ‘I’m sorry, Randy, but I think I’ve destroyed enough of your reality for one day. At this point, I believe it would do you well to try and remember that on your own. You, and Nora, together.’

‘What?’ Randy leaned forward on the desk. ‘Please, doc, I need to know what I did.’

‘You will, Randy. You just need to take some time and give it some thought.’ She leaned forward to put her hand on his. ‘You and Nora, together. I can’t be the one to tell you. I’m sorry. It… it wouldn’t be healthy.’

Randy looked at her hand, pulling his away with regret. Even though he didn’t like it, he understood her position; whatever he’d done to be put here, whatever his mind had gone to such lengths to help him block out, whatever not even Doctor Hargrove wanted to repeat… It was likely significant enough that he should be the only one to reveal the truth to himself.

Randy sighed. ‘Thank you for everything, doc,’ he said before standing. ‘I mean it. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, here.’ The doctor gave a grateful smile. ‘I guess I better go find Nora.’