Anomia - Part 2

Randy knocked on her door… Nora’s door. He was amazed that even the next day, after a full night’s rest, he was still able to remember her name. He didn’t even have to think about it; it just came to him, as he assumed it did for most people.

That’s why he was here now.

Nora opened the door and frowned. ‘What do you want?’

‘Hi. Good morning.’ Randy gave a small bow, regretting the awkward movement as soon as he’d done it. ‘Nora.’ He couldn’t stop himself from smiling at his success.

‘Hi,’ Nora replied, waiting in the doorway only opened enough to let her face through. He couldn’t understand why she’d be trying to hide anything in the room behind her; it was exactly the same as his and every other patient’s. ‘Is that all you wanted to say?’

‘Yes. I mean, no. Nora.’ He cleared his throat, remembering why he was actually here. ‘I thought I’d offer to show you around the place. I know Doc… uh… the doctor has already shown you where everything is, but I wanted to give you an extended tour, you know, the way only a fellow patient can.’

Nora simply watched him without a word. ‘That is, I can tell you the, uh, secrets, that the staff won’t. You know?’

‘What’s your deal, man?’

‘Excuse me?’

Nora watched him through a suspicious squint for a tense few seconds, neither of them speaking. ‘You really want to show me around, huh?’ she finally asked.

‘Yes. Of course.’

Nora rolled her eyes and sighed, held up one finger to Randy, then disappeared behind her closed door. Randy waited a confused moment before the door opened again and she came out wearing her patient’s coat, a thin long-sleeved material matching Randy’s, and a thick woollen hat holding in most of her hair. ‘Okay. Show me around.’

Randy beamed and lead her down the hallway towards the cafeteria, the first stop on his somewhat improvised tour. He’d spent all morning thinking about where he would take her and in what order, though now that it was actually happening his plans’ relevance was fading, replaced with his excitement.

‘Would you like to get some breakfast?’ Randy asked her, once they were already in the cafeteria.

‘Sure,’ Nora responded with a sigh.

They approached the serving area, Randy nodding to the staff member in charge, saying, ‘I’ll just have the usual, please, uh… Jenny.’ He had to look at her nametag, despite trying his hardest not to. ‘How’s your mother doing, too?’

The young, wide-eyed staff member hesitated, both in actions and her reply. ‘Uh…’ she mumbled, looking at the assortment of breakfast foods available. Eventually, she decided on two pieces of buttered toast, handing them to Randy on a small plate. ‘My mother is doing well. Thanks,’ she responded.

Randy took the toast and nodded his thanks. ‘You know me too well,’ he said with a grin.

The girl smiled back before handing Nora her chosen meal, a small bowl of unexciting cereal.

‘I get this every single day,’ Randy said, chomping on his toast. ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know. But I try not to waste too much time thinking about what to eat. Routine is very important.’

Nora watched him while eating her cereal. ‘That sounds boring.’

‘No, it gives me more time to focus on the things I do enjoy.’

‘Like what?’

‘Well, we’ll get to that,’ Randy smiled.

Nora rolled her eyes. ‘How long did you say you’ve been here, again?’

‘Oh, a couple of months, at least. Maybe more, now. I kind of stopped keeping track after a few weeks.’

‘So for at least two months, that’s all you’ve eaten every morning?’

Randy looked down at his toast. ‘What do you normally eat for breakfast?’

Nora dropped her spoon, splashing milk on the table between them. ‘I don’t know. I can’t remember anything about myself.’

Randy held up his hands apologetically. ‘Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…’

A smile slowly spread across her lips while he begged for her forgiveness, before she produced a small laugh and picked up her cereal, eating again. ‘I’m joking, Randy.’

‘You’re…’ Randy realised what she had said and laughed too, mostly out of relief. ‘Oh. Right. You got me.’

‘You should’ve seen your face.’

‘I don’t think I should’ve,’ he said, his racing heart slowly calming.

After breakfast, they walked through the hallways to the dispensary.

‘This is where we get our drugs,’ Randy explained, pointing to the staff member in charge. ‘I mean, ‘medication.’ They don’t like any of us using the D word.’

‘That so,’ Nora said, studying the small room. A row of chairs lined the wall opposite the windowed desk, a small receptacle at its base to give and receive the medication requested by each patient. Nora approached the window, ignoring the couple of patients waiting in their chairs. ‘Excuse me,’ she said to the staff member behind the window. Glen. ‘Hi. Just here to pick up my drugs.’

Randy’s eyes widened at the nonchalance of her going against his advice.

In response, the staff member gave her a patient smile and said, ‘I don’t think I’ve seen you here. Are you new?’

‘Just got here yesterday,’ Nora said, matching his smile, though Randy could see it wasn’t genuine. ‘Nora. I… don’t know what last name they gave me.’

‘Nora…’ Glen said, looking through the papers on his desk. ‘Ah. Nora Doe. Amnesia?’ Nora nodded, her confidence seeming to fade. ‘I’ll be right back.’ Before leaving, he looked at Randy. ‘Are you after your medication, too?’

‘Yes. Uh, Glen. Thank you.’ He smiled, before adding, ‘uh, Randy Peters.’

‘Of course it’s you, Randy.’ With that, Glen disappeared behind a door.

Randy thought of a hundred things to say to Nora in the time they waited, but each time he opened his mouth, he saw her visible discomfort and decided against it. She didn’t appear to be averse to him, specifically; in fact, her empty gaze suggested she’d forgotten about his presence entirely. She only perked back up to her previous self when the staff member returned with two small paper bags.

‘There you go. Nora and Randy.’ He gave them instructions on which tablets to take at which times, Randy and Nora nodding along.

When he finally completed his explanation, Nora held up her bag and said, ‘thanks for all the drugs!’

Glen laughed. ‘Have a nice day.’

They left the dispensary, Randy not sure if he wanted to meet Nora’s eyes. When he finally did, hers were forward, though she still spoke to him. ‘He didn’t seem to care about ‘the D word’.’

‘Maybe it’s because you’re new,’ Randy said. ‘If I’d said it, I’d probably be locked in my room for the rest of the week.’

Nora laughed. ‘They really do that here?’

‘No,’ Randy said, laughing too. ‘They’re very nice, here. I’m actually only here because I’m choosing to be.’

‘Really?’ She finally looked at him. ‘You mean, you could just leave whenever you want?’

‘Yep. But I’m not ready to leave, yet.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because…’ He sighed. ‘It’s more difficult than you’d think, trying to live out there, in the world, when you can’t remember a single name.’

Nora laughed. ‘It must be, because it really doesn’t sound that bad. I mean, what’s the worst thing that’s ever happened, because of your… condition? Someone gets upset with you, because you can’t call them by their name? You can just explain that you have a problem.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Why not?’

Randy sighed again. He’d hoped that by taking Nora around the ward, he’d learn more about her, and perhaps identify what made her so special, special enough that hers was the only name he could remember. Instead, it seemed that all they’d talked about was himself. ‘It’s difficult to explain, and I’d rather not get into it.’

As they moved to the next destination on Randy’s list, he stopped at a doorway in one of the corridors. ‘This is where we do our group sessions,’ he said, both of them looking through the glass in the door to the empty room beyond. ‘You’ll see it for yourself, later. Come on.’

They continued, passing all the doctors’ offices, including Doctor Hargrove’s, Randy reading the name aloud from the sign on the door.

‘What do you think of Doc Hargrove?’ Nora asked.

‘Oh, I, uh… I like her. She really wants to help everyone, which is nice.’ He looked down at his feet, his pace almost matching hers. ‘Do you like her?’

Nora scoffed. ‘Don’t think I know her well enough to answer that.’

‘Well, what about your first impression?’

Nora hummed in thought. ‘I think you’re right. It seems genuine, wanting to help all of us.’

‘Why wouldn’t it be genuine?’

‘I don’t know. I guess it’s just kind of hard to trust anyone when you can barely trust yourself.’

Randy had no idea what to say to that. He doubted there was very little he could say that would be helpful in any way.

‘So, what was your first impression of me?’ she asked, in his silence.

‘Oh. You seem… very nice.’

Nora laughed. ‘That’s bullshit. Come on, I mean, for real.’

Randy looked at her as they walked. ‘I suppose, you seem confident. A little more… put-together than most of the people in here.’

‘Well, consider the feeling mutual.’

‘I guess we are in kind of similar situations. Memory-wise. Like the doctor said.’

Nora rolled her eyes with a small laugh. ‘Sure.’

They remained silent, their footsteps on the tiles their only sound, until they reached their next destination.

Randy stopped at a large archway and made a sweeping gesture into the wide open room beyond. ‘This is the recreational area. The activities room.’

Inside were a number of tables set up with different mind-occupying tasks: painting stations, jigsaw puzzles, several booklets of word searches, crosswords, sudoku, and other brain games.

‘Ah, there’s, um… well. You know.’ Randy pointed at the tall, thin boy who he’d seen in group yesterday, sitting at one of the puzzles, concentrating on his task. ‘You can usually find him there. He loves his puzzles.’

They approached the boy and stood above him and his puzzle for an awkward moment, until the boy looked up at them. ‘Good morning, friend. This is Nora,’ Randy said, unable to hide his pride at remembering her name.

The boy looked at them, eyes shifting from one to the other, before forming a small smile. ‘I’m Jamie.’

Randy nodded, annoyed that he knew he’d known it was Jamie, and could’ve remembered it a moment after Jamie had said it himself.

Nora shook his hand. ‘What’s it going to be?’ she asked the boy, pointing at the barely formed jigsaw.

‘I’m not sure,’ the boy responded, his voice small and quiet, his eyes back on the puzzle. ‘I like not looking at the finished picture. It makes it harder.’

‘Brave.’ Nora and Jamie shared a laugh, then said goodbye as Randy guided her to another part of the room. ‘What’s he in here for?’ she asked him.

‘Eating disorder. I feel bad for the poor kid,’ Randy said.

‘That’s a shame. Still,’ she said, looking back at the boy. ‘He’s pretty cute, huh?’

Randy laughed but didn’t answer, instead guiding her to one far corner of the room. The entire ward’s only television set sat on a wheeled cart, so small it was difficult to make out the images unless you were sitting right in front, and equally difficult to hear. Randy tended to ignore the screen, exclusively playing reruns of old situational comedies the staff had deemed appropriate viewing. It’s not that he disliked the programs; he’d just seen every episode enough times that he could now recite them word for word, start to finish, and as a result had lost some of their entertainment value. The staff members on duty also possessed full control of the television’s only remote, leaving him helpless to change the channel to something new.

Randy explained all of this to Nora, who simply nodded along with mockingly raised eyebrows, feigning interest.

‘Will you keep it down?’ the elderly man, also from Randy’s group session the previous day, grumbled. ‘I’m trying to watch this goddamn thing.’

‘Sorry, pal,’ Randy said, approaching the man seated in front of the TV and crouching next to him. ‘I hate to interrupt, but have you met Nora?’

The old man’s eyes never left the screen. ‘Pleasure,’ he sneered, his tone suggesting otherwise.

‘Aren’t you a bundle of joy?’ Nora said with a laugh. ‘You at least have a name?’

The old man groaned. ‘If I tell you, will you leave me alone and let me watch?’

‘Seems fair.’

‘Harold.’ Harold waved them away. ‘Bye bye, now.’

Randy took the cue to leave, wishing Harold had at least acknowledged that he’d been able to remember Nora’s name, though hadn’t really expected it.

‘What about him? Why’s he here?’ Nora asked. ‘Let me guess. Anger issues?’

‘Something like that,’ Randy nodded. ‘Now, last but certainly not least, over here,’ Randy said, walking to the corner opposite the television, ‘is what I like to call the library.’

The ‘library’ was only two small shelves stocked with old paperback books of assorted genres, also filtered through the staff’s idea of appropriate reading. Between the shelves were a small pile of old beanbag chairs, all of them somewhere between a quarter and half full of their beans. ‘This is where I like to spend most of my time. You probably remember that this is where we first met, yesterday. I was sitting right there,’ Randy said, pointing at his favourite beanbag.

‘I remember.’ Nora scanned the unorganised catalogue of books. ‘So you haven’t read everything here four times, like with the TV?’

‘No,’ Randy said, ignoring her sarcasm. ‘I’m working my way there.’

She laughed, little more than a small nasal exhale, and kept looking. Randy went to the opposite shelf, finding the book he’d been reading yesterday still in its place, his page still marked. Nora gasped, and he turned to see her holding an old, thin book, pages ratty and yellowed. Her eyes were glued to it as she turned it over and studied its contents.

‘What have you found?’ Randy asked, looking over her shoulder.

‘This book, it feels… familiar,’ Nora said.

Randy sighed. ‘Okay. What, you’re messing with me again? Trying to be funny? You know, this is my favourite place in the whole hospital. It’d be nice if…’

‘No, shut up,’ Nora said, cutting him off. ‘I’m serious. I can… remember something, about this book. But I don’t know what.’

‘Oh.’ Randy took a closer look at the pages in her hands, studying it intently together. Judging by the title, ‘The Happy Little Hamster,’ it was a children’s book. Nora flicked through the pages, each one containing more than 80% pictures and only a few lines of text. ‘Maybe you read it when you were a kid?’

‘Maybe,’ Nora said. She looked around the room with concern. ‘Are we allowed to take books from here?’

‘Oh, yes, of course. I do all the time.’ Randy read some of the lines; it seemed to be introducing a Hamster – the titular character, he assumed – who had unintentionally escaped its cage. ‘Do you think reading this could help you remember something?’

‘Maybe.’ She read through a few more pages. ‘This might actually be helpful.’ She suddenly closed the book, holding it by her side while she turned to face Randy. ‘Thanks for bringing me here, Randy.’

Randy smiled. ‘No problem at all, Nora. Happy to help.’

Nora studied him intently, a small mischievous grin on her lips, though the probing caused Randy’s cheer to fade. ‘Okay,’ she eventually said, folding her arms. ‘What is it?’

‘What is what?’ Randy asked.

‘What is all this? Taking me around everywhere? What, are you trying to get in my pants, or something?’

‘What!?’ Randy asked, mortified. ‘No! Of course not. I just… want to get to know you more.’

‘Randy,’ Nora said, amused by his reaction, ‘I hate to be the one to break this to you, but there really isn’t anything to get to know. If there is, I can’t remember any of it. Remember?’

‘I know, but…’ He closed his eyes. ‘There’s… something, Nora. Something about you. Something that makes you special.’

Nora laughed, not taking the subject as seriously as Randy. ‘There’s nothing special about me, Randy. Even if there is, somehow, there’s no way I could know what it is. So whatever you’re looking for, I don’t think you’re going to find it from me.’

‘But I remember your name!’ Randy said, possibly a little too loud for the quiet recreational room. ‘Nora. See?’ He brought his voice down to a whisper. ‘That’s you. You’re Nora. I can’t remember the last time I remembered someone’s name before this, Nora. So whatever it is about you, Nora, and there must be something, I want to find out what. If that means we have to sit down and read about this hamster together, then that’s what we’ll do, Nora. I want to get to the bottom of this. Nora.’

Nora looked at him for a long moment, still amused, but trying to take him a little more seriously. ‘I hate my name when it’s said that many times in a row.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Randy breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly, drawing out the sigh. ‘Nora.’

She slapped his arm with the children’s book, before sitting in one of the beanbag chairs and gesturing him to follow. ‘Alright. Fine. Let’s read this thing.’

*****

They read through the entirety of the 30 page children’s book a number of times without any sign of triggering Nora’s memory, yet she still insisted that something about it was familiar. In the end, she took the book back to her room for private study, promising to tell Randy if anything jumped out at her while she was alone.

In the meantime, Randy tended to his daily routine; scheduled checkups both mentally and physically, eating at allotted times, reading in the library. Performing the same few activities at the same time every day for months had proved beneficial, despite the mundanity; it allowed him to focus all of his mental energy on getting better through his exercises with the doctor.

The only part of the routine that required a little more presence was socialising with the staff and patients – the ones who would willingly socialise back. It still amazed him that after all this time, some were standoffish towards him, despite being aware of his mental abnormality. He’d accepted long ago, though, that there were some people who would never accept that you couldn’t remember their name.

In the early afternoon, the doctor came to find him to go through his memory exercises with her, wanting to catch up on what they’d missed in the previous day’s rescheduled meeting.

After almost an hour of back and forth – Doctor Hargrove giving Randy photographs of people and ascribing them a name which he’d try to remember – the doctor put the images of random faces away and put her folded hands in her lap.

‘How have you been since yesterday, Randy?’ she asked with a pleasant smile.

‘I’ve been good. Actually, I’ve been spending a bit more time with Nora.’

‘Ah, I thought I saw you two walking around together earlier today.’ The doctor leaned forward enthusiastically. ‘And I see you still remember her name, Randy! That’s great news.’

‘Yes, it is.’ Randy sighed thoughtfully. ‘I just still don’t understand why she’s the only one. I thought by spending the day with her, I’d get some sort of answer, but…’

‘Nothing?’

‘Right.’ Randy recalled his time with Nora in the library. ‘There was one thing, about this book, but it didn’t really help me learn why she could be so special.’ At the doctor’s query, Randy explained Nora’s familiarity with the Happy Little Hamster. ‘I’m glad it might help her in some way, but… I guess I just want to know what’s so different about her.’

The doctor slowly nodded. ‘Well, it’s only been one day. I’m sure the more time you spend together, the more you’ll be able to learn from each other. Don’t give up hope yet, Randy.’

‘I know.’

After their meeting, Randy went back to his room to relax for the small amount of time he had before their group session. Lying in his bed in thought, he wondered why he could still remember her name. Nora. It baffled him; even Doctor… the doctor’s name continued to escape him, yet here was this woman who he had only just met whose name he couldn’t forget if he wanted to. Nora.

Perhaps that was important, Randy wondered. He knew everyone else in the hospital after spending so long here with all of them, but Nora was the only new person he’d met in weeks. It was a detail he’d have to bring up with her, perhaps the doctor as well.

When the time came for group, Randy headed through the hallways to the allocated room, bumping into a few of the other members from their group on the way, including Nora.

‘Nora!’ Randy greeted, still amazed with himself. ‘Hey, I was thinking…’

‘Oh, were you?’ she snapped back, clearly annoyed, though Randy couldn’t figure out why.

‘Yes. Listen; I’ve known everyone in this hospital for a while, but you’re new, and I can remember your name, so maybe that has something to do with what’s special about you.’

‘Goddamnit, Randy.’ Nora closed her eyes and stopped in frustration. ‘Just stop, okay? I’m not special, and you don’t actually give a shit about any of this. So cut the bullshit.’

‘What?’ Randy asked, shocked. ‘Nora, of course I… give a shit. It’s all I can think about, now.’

‘All you can think about is using me to figure out your own shit, you mean. You don’t care about me or my problems. I get it. You don’t have to pretend anymore. Your doctor friend made it very clear.’

Nora stormed off a moment later and left Randy standing there, too confused to move. When he finally willed his legs to work again, he only caught up to Nora by the time she and everyone else was already in the group room.

‘Hello, everyone,’ the doctor was saying as Randy entered. ‘Let’s all take a seat. I’m eager to hear what we all have to say, today.’ Nora scoffed, though Randy thought he might’ve been the only one to notice it. ‘Now, I believe we began with Angela yesterday, so for today, why don’t we start with…’

‘I have something to say,’ Nora interrupted, with a hand in the air. ‘If that’s okay with you, doc.’

Doctor… Hargrove – nametag – watched Nora for a moment before smiling and nodding. ‘Is everyone else okay with that?’ She looked around the circle of patients, receiving no objections.

‘Thanks, everyone,’ Nora continued, her voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘I just wanted to say that this entire place is insane. It kind of seems like you people bend over backwards to cater to certain people, then don’t even give a shit about others. Is that accurate?’

Though Nora was speaking to the whole group, Doctor Hargrove answered. ‘I’m sorry you feel this way, Nora, but I can assure you, every staff member in this ward is dedicated to helping every patient, equally. No one receives any kind of special treatment, unless it is absolutely required.’

‘Oh my god,’ Nora laughed, unamused. ‘Seriously? Ignoring the obvious elephant in the room, why did you take my book then, huh?’

Randy started to piece some things together, eyes darting between Nora and the doctor.

‘Nora, I told you, patients aren’t allowed to have books in their own rooms. They’re to be kept in the activities room at all times.’

‘Oh, but mister can’t-remember-names over here can just do whatever he wants, right?’ Nora said.

Randy was beginning to make sense of Nora’s annoyance at him.

‘Please, Nora. The rules are there for a reason. I just try to uphold them…’

‘Shouldn’t the most important ‘rule’ be to help the patients in here? Because so far, I haven’t gotten a single shred of shit from anyone that could help me. In case any of you aren’t aware,’ Nora said, looking around the room. Most patients were too frightened of her annoyed and loud tone to meet her eyes. ‘I have no idea who the fuck I am. I can’t remember anything before stumbling into this hellhole. And when I finally find a fucking kids’ book that might actually help me remember something, it’s taken away. Confiscated. How the fuck does that make any sense?’

‘You took the book from her?’ Randy asked the doctor, quietly, not wanting to interfere with Nora’s tirade. Doctor Hargrove only gave an apologetic smile before Nora continued.

‘Oh, fuck off, Randy. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me, but lucky you, you’ll probably still get it anyway. That’s how it works here, right? Randy’s clearly your favourite,’ Nora said, waving in the doctor’s direction.

‘Nora, please,’ Doctor Hargrove began, but Randy leaned forward to speak instead.

‘Nora, listen to me,’ he began. ‘We all want to help you as much as we can. Right, everyone?’ He looked around the circle, receiving a few small nods or grunts of assent. ‘And I can assure you, I’m not receiving any kind of special treatment from the doctor here. All we do is practice memory exercises to help me remember things better. Maybe you just feel like you aren’t getting the help you need because we don’t have the same problem.’

Nora glared at him through narrowed eyes, her chest heaving, lips pursed.

‘All I mean is,’ he continued, trying to backtrack, ‘while we both have problems with our memory, we don’t have the same problem. I can’t remember names, but you can’t remember anything. So, maybe that’s why you feel like you aren’t being helped. My problem is just… easier?’

As soon as he’d said the words, he realised how badly the intention to be helpful had translated from his head to his mouth.

For a few tense seconds, no one in the room knew what to say. Nora simply stared at Randy as if he was responsible for her memory loss, her jaw so tight it looked as if it would pop out of her skull.

‘Uh, I can talk now, Doctor Hargrove,’ the skinny tall boy began, his voice small, even in the tense silence.

The doctor nodded to him. ‘Thank you, Jamie.’

Nora didn’t wait for Jamie to begin. She stood, slapping her knees as she did, and smiled, trying to mask her rage. ‘Well, this has been very productive. I think I’ll go back to my room now.’

‘Nora, wait, I didn’t mean,’ Randy said as she left the room. He looked at the doctor for permission to leave, while Jamie spoke about his issues to the group, a welcome distraction. The doctor nodded, and Randy left, running to catch up to Nora.

‘Please, Nora,’ he said, stopping at her side, but still keeping up with her intent stride. ‘I’m sorry; that didn’t come out the way I meant it.’

‘No, I got it. Our problems are just too different to compare, right? Something like that?’ She refused to look at him, her eyes forward on the corridor.

‘I mean… yes, they are, but that doesn’t mean either is more important.’ She ignored him, only shaking her head with frustration etched into her features. ‘I didn’t know about the book. I didn’t know that Doctor… doctor… the doctor would take it. I just told her that something about it was familiar to you.’

‘Fuck off about the book, Randy. About all of it. Just… leave me alone. I can’t deal with you right now.’

Randy stopped, hearing the intensity and seriousness in her tone, and let her continue on down the hallway, alone. He watched her pass a corner towards her room, left standing in the empty corridor, wondering what the hell had just happened.

And what he was going to do to make it right.